from AstroAbbey http://www.bridgettwalther.com/
CLEAN OUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP CLOSET by Libby Gill
You may not need a TV makeover show to convince you to clean out the clothes lurking in the back of your closet, but how often do you consider cleaning out your relationship closet? I’d bet a tie-dyed T-shirt and pair of espadrilles – or are those back in style? - that you’re hanging onto more toxic friendships and draining business associates than you are fat jeans.
When I lost the twenty-five pounds I’d been lugging around for a decade, courtesy of juggling a stress-filled corporate career with a couple of kids, a “friend” pointedly suggested that I not give my old clothes away since I would probably put the weight back on. If Richard Simmons had backed a semi-truck up to my bedroom door and offered to personally help me shovel out my closet with a forklift, I couldn’t have sprung into action any more quickly.
I promptly dumped all my fat clothes into a Hefty bag for donation to a homeless shelter and seriously considered dumping my “friendship” as well. Instead, I told my friend she’d hurt my feelings and that I wanted her support. Her response? That she’d do whatever she could, including joining me on my beach-path jogs, to help me stay in shape.
I don’t advocate tossing people because they say things you don’t want to hear. But I do advocate taking inventory of your relationships to see if you’re getting what you want from your connections or just hanging on because you don’t know how to let go. If a valued relationship veers off-track, see if it can be rehabilitated through honest disclosure and open discussion, like mine was. But if you suspect that your affiliations with friends or colleagues may be terminally toxic, ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you do most of the giving in this relationship and get very little in return?
2. Does this person deplete your energy and drain your spirit?
3. Would you be relieved if he or she suddenly decided to relocate to some remote region of the planet without phone reception or Internet access?
If you answered “yes” to two or more questions, it may be time to gracefully extricate yourself from these troublesome types, or at least minimize the time and energy you spend on them. It might sound harsh, but if your calendar is too booked up for quality time with close friends, important business connections – and most of all, family – you need to make some hard decisions about who really matters.
Once you’ve separated the keepers from the non-keepers, you still have to determine if you’re spreading yourself too thin. If you’re time-starved – and who isn’t? –set some new limits for the relationships you want to keep. Make yourself less available for lengthy phone calls, lunch dates or social events. Tell everyone you’re in a time crunch and that, while they may see less of you for a bit, you hope to resurface soon.
For the non-keepers, be polite but firm in consistently letting them know that you are too focused on family, job or skydiving lessons to spend time with them in the foreseeable future. You don’t need to tell them you don’t value the relationship, there’s no point in being unnecessarily cruel. Most people will get the hint after a declined invitation or two but, if not, just keep sticking to your story.
It can be a little trickier distancing yourself from a business associate, especially if it’s someone you see at work every day. If the toxic colleague is a superior or your boss, you might even want to think about finding a new job. If it’s a problem peer, keep your interactions friendly, professional and brief. No chit-chat in the coffee room, no lingering outside the cubicle. Your reason? Too much work, of course.
Finally, don’t forget that you are fair game for your friends’ and colleagues’ closet-cleaning, so bring the best you can to all your relationships. Libby Gill is a personal coach, lecturer and author of “Traveling Hopefully.” Libby welcomes comments and questions at AskLibby@LibbyGill.com.